how can I improve as a person? hmmm

Why can't I find love? Will I ever have love? What is love anyway? It is a mental illness that I am immune to. Nobody appreciates me even if I was willing to put them above all.

I desire: Someone to hold, love, cherish. Above all though, they will cherish me.

Until then, I will continue to reassure myself that one day I will find this "love."

Going through the days constantly searching for self-fulfillment.

really, it's nothing.

You sit here in this room surrounded by nothingness. There's no one to run to EVER. You must conquer all fears and tackle all your own problems by yourself. Not that you would want to burden anyone with such problems like your own. Nothing is really wrong, but you feel like there is anyway and you can't get the awful feelings away. You've lost one person that you could tell anything to and no one has ever been able to replace them. You just go about pretending everything is alright when it's not. Really you need someone to talk to and to hold onto tightly, but, they should want you too so it won't be just a one-way love. Yes this is how a feel as I sit here in this room surrounded by nothingness. Loneliness.

PERSON NEEDED: someone to spill my problems out to and they won't think I'm crazy.

My family thinks I'm crazy. I tell them they're crazy just to comfort myself.

Really if anyone could understand... I need someone who I can confide in and they won't laugh. Someone who won't talk bad about me behind my back. Someone who would value me as their best friend because I am perhaps capable of that kind of job.

Stop trying to fool around the truth because you'll never keep it hidden. So finally I am going to take those words and use it for myself:
I do feel depressed.
I am a negative person.
I think about giving up.
I want to get married but it hardly seems possible for someone like me.
Nobody can or will ever understand me.
I need a special bond with someone to heal because nothing helps me better than that. It's okay, you think I'm crazy.

why do I never feel good enough?

I try my best to be the best friend that I can be but for some reason people don't see me as one of their best friends. I have a few, but not many. For once I want to be appreciated. I wish there was a way. But I'll get over it and just give up one day.

Sometimes I think people use me to make fun of but I am never quite sure. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Every day I wish I could be someone else for one reason or another. Nothing goes my way, I always seem to screw things up, and I am just dumb quite often. I need so much help.

make the pain stop

Why do I get yelled at so much? I try to do my best and it's not like I want to screw everyone else's life up anyway. The yelling does not help. I rub my eyes, but the tears keep rolling on out.

No one has time for me anymore. When others want time for me, it's like I run away. I am scared of people themselves. It's weird.

I took at least ten depression quizzes today and they all say that I should seek help especially if I answered yes to whether or not I think about death a lot. I do though and I don't understand why other people don't think about death a lot. I don't understand why people can be sooooo happyyyy allllll the timmmme. Life is a racetrack, and I am the one who gets the worst injuries with the worst dents. I suck at life. Period.