I have been riding 4-5 times a week and I was doing so well jumping 3' at home. I did not think that I would do as poorly as I did in the horseshow. Oh well... I suppose the reason that I am not more upset is because I know that this its my first time competing at this level.

Mid-terms are coming up this week and I am not looking forward to taking those. History will be a killer. Tooooo much to memorize. Kill myself now. I feel like a disaster. I am a natural disaster. I am feeling like I will be a failure unless I pass. Well I will be.

The other day I was sitting in art class and my closest friends are exchanging gifts with each other, but I did not get one. I felt bad, but I learn to deal with those miserable experiences. So that's how close my closest friends are. Yea that's the best way to describe it. I am not even close enough to them for them to get me a gift for Christmas. It was quite an embarrassing experience actually.
As far as how I am feeling now, I can describe it as: loserish, a rebel, helpless, a disaster, weak, unpowerful, and Hell. Well I am not as good as I once was. Thats just the cold-hard truth.

I am gonna let myself go... One day.

thinking... thoughts

I feel bad about myspace. Noone ever gives me comments and its usually my old friends from my old school that will IF they do. But what can I do? I would do anything for some attention from others. I have never felt so desperate. Its not that I feel like I need to be the center of attention, but I just want to be noticed as an actual person. I feel like the lonely quiet kid in class. I dont speak or ask questions in class because I feel like I will make a fool of myself or people will talk bad about me. I don't like staying after school because I have noone to talk to and everyone else does. It makes me feel bad. But see the thing is that I DON'T want to talk to them. I suppose that I am just that different from people who can afford to go to a $15k private school. I don't think that my personality is that different from theirs, but my values certainly are. I am stuck inside a world I hate.

There are more people going away from my "clique." About 3 people of our 12 person cliques are gone. I only have approximately 10 friends at ODA. It is very saddening to think about that. At Haile I had a whole lot more.

I have thought about going to Braden River a lot, practically every day. I think that academically it would be a poor choice.

In a perfect world this could never happen,
In a perfect world I would still go to Haile
It makes no sense.
But to people at ODA, it means nothing at all.
I used to think that I was strong,
Until it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through
I wish I could bring Haile back
I wish I could turn time back
I can't let go
I just can't find my way.
I don't know what I should do now
I don't know where to go.

I need to change. I think that I am just as stuck up in some ways as other people at ODA. But changing is so hard. I think that I should act more serious. One time Brittany described me as "too cheerful." The ironic thing about that is that I am really down a lot of the time especially at home. I don't understand why I act totally the opposite of who I am at school. I guess I just don't want people to think of me as depressed. But my crying is getting worse and worse as school goes on. Is it healthy? I don't know.

So all of this depression makes me eat. I like to eat when I am depressed.

I don't think that anyone REALLY cares about me. All I want is a best friend like Rachel used to be. But even Rachel has a new best friend. All I want is someone to really care about me like boyfriends care about their girlfriends. Yes, if only I could say that I have had a boyfriend before and that someone REALLY cared about me. Everyone else can. But I have gotten used to it now I guess. I have started to question whether or not I will ever get married. I mean if I don't date then I won't marry.

whatever. i'm out.

Dad still says that no one in our family will ever be good enough to make it to the Olympics. He does not understand how much I want to go though. That is all I wanna do. I am sick of his lack of confidence in me. I should just rebel against him forever I swear....

I cried my eyes out tonight.
My parents don't believe in me anymore. They do this to me sometimes. They told me that I can't be a horse trainer if I keep going like I am. Dad says that I should be practicing at least 5-6 times a week and Carol should be coming out a whole bunch more than she is. But I don't really have time now. I don't know if I should quit tennis and piano. I hate being a quitter.

I also don't understand my school loneliness. Apparently nobody wants to hang out with me because I am not cool. I need more attention. All I want is more friends. Thats practically what I live for at ODA. But the thing is that everyone has their own little group of people that they prefer. Even when i stand right there in there face they still choose not to say "hey you want to come hang out with us when we go?" People just don't think like that at ODA. Its a self-centered thing they have and it hurts my feelings.

But no one likes me anyway because I am not a rich stuck-up kid.