thinking... thoughts

I feel bad about myspace. Noone ever gives me comments and its usually my old friends from my old school that will IF they do. But what can I do? I would do anything for some attention from others. I have never felt so desperate. Its not that I feel like I need to be the center of attention, but I just want to be noticed as an actual person. I feel like the lonely quiet kid in class. I dont speak or ask questions in class because I feel like I will make a fool of myself or people will talk bad about me. I don't like staying after school because I have noone to talk to and everyone else does. It makes me feel bad. But see the thing is that I DON'T want to talk to them. I suppose that I am just that different from people who can afford to go to a $15k private school. I don't think that my personality is that different from theirs, but my values certainly are. I am stuck inside a world I hate.

There are more people going away from my "clique." About 3 people of our 12 person cliques are gone. I only have approximately 10 friends at ODA. It is very saddening to think about that. At Haile I had a whole lot more.

I have thought about going to Braden River a lot, practically every day. I think that academically it would be a poor choice.

In a perfect world this could never happen,
In a perfect world I would still go to Haile
It makes no sense.
But to people at ODA, it means nothing at all.
I used to think that I was strong,
Until it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through
I wish I could bring Haile back
I wish I could turn time back
I can't let go
I just can't find my way.
I don't know what I should do now
I don't know where to go.

I need to change. I think that I am just as stuck up in some ways as other people at ODA. But changing is so hard. I think that I should act more serious. One time Brittany described me as "too cheerful." The ironic thing about that is that I am really down a lot of the time especially at home. I don't understand why I act totally the opposite of who I am at school. I guess I just don't want people to think of me as depressed. But my crying is getting worse and worse as school goes on. Is it healthy? I don't know.

So all of this depression makes me eat. I like to eat when I am depressed.

I don't think that anyone REALLY cares about me. All I want is a best friend like Rachel used to be. But even Rachel has a new best friend. All I want is someone to really care about me like boyfriends care about their girlfriends. Yes, if only I could say that I have had a boyfriend before and that someone REALLY cared about me. Everyone else can. But I have gotten used to it now I guess. I have started to question whether or not I will ever get married. I mean if I don't date then I won't marry.

whatever. i'm out.