Sooooo this whole blog has been pretty depressing. WELLLL I have GOOD news now. I have met the most amazing guy and he cares about me. I can't tell you how wonderful this feeling is that someone else wants you. My whole life I have wanted a boyfriend and I think this one will be my first. I just had my 18th birthday on Friday and my future boyfriend is 23! hah i know what you're thinking, he's 5 years older than me! Well I don't think he's too old for me. He genuinely cares about my well-being. I met him through Laura because he loves the horses and spends a lot of time out there. I have known him for a week and a half and we are already had our first date. Yesterday we watched the movie Resident Evil in Laura's sewing room in the back by ourselves. We went to Blockbuster and he gave me a hug from behind that gave me butterflies in my stomach. We watched the movie as he held me close and rubbed my arm and shoulders. It felt so good. It was a little chilly outside so he made sure I was warm;)

Carry on, carry on

You go through life wondering, watching, and waiting for something new to happen. You ask yourself, what is my soul purpose in this world? Who am I living for and who cares about me living? Then you think and ponder those questions for a moment. Suddenly, the answer that pops into your head is nothing and a select few. Wondering why on earth you must come to such questions? Is it the longing for someone new to be there for you, yet you seem to repel each potential candidate that comes along? Or is it the fact that you feel like you haven't truly succeeded in this world? I'll get back to you if I ever discover such answers.

Everything I "live" for seems to fail me. My horse career because I need to ride MORE. How am I going to make money? Why can't I get my head straight? Why do I feel badly so often? Why do other people seem to get everything? How can I as a person fulfill my dreams? Every time I stop to smell the roses, everything falls behind. Every time I get things done in a hurry, I feel awful about myself. What is the medium here?

So your life's perfect huh? well then, good for you.

I can only be happy for other people because I cannot be happy for myself.

walking around aimlessly
telling myself how i hate life
its not bad i reassure myself

like a picture with a broken frame
i am helpless with no one to save me.

how can I improve as a person? hmmm

Why can't I find love? Will I ever have love? What is love anyway? It is a mental illness that I am immune to. Nobody appreciates me even if I was willing to put them above all.

I desire: Someone to hold, love, cherish. Above all though, they will cherish me.

Until then, I will continue to reassure myself that one day I will find this "love."

Going through the days constantly searching for self-fulfillment.