Carry on, carry on

You go through life wondering, watching, and waiting for something new to happen. You ask yourself, what is my soul purpose in this world? Who am I living for and who cares about me living? Then you think and ponder those questions for a moment. Suddenly, the answer that pops into your head is nothing and a select few. Wondering why on earth you must come to such questions? Is it the longing for someone new to be there for you, yet you seem to repel each potential candidate that comes along? Or is it the fact that you feel like you haven't truly succeeded in this world? I'll get back to you if I ever discover such answers.

Everything I "live" for seems to fail me. My horse career because I need to ride MORE. How am I going to make money? Why can't I get my head straight? Why do I feel badly so often? Why do other people seem to get everything? How can I as a person fulfill my dreams? Every time I stop to smell the roses, everything falls behind. Every time I get things done in a hurry, I feel awful about myself. What is the medium here?

So your life's perfect huh? well then, good for you.

I can only be happy for other people because I cannot be happy for myself.

walking around aimlessly
telling myself how i hate life
its not bad i reassure myself

like a picture with a broken frame
i am helpless with no one to save me.

how can I improve as a person? hmmm

Why can't I find love? Will I ever have love? What is love anyway? It is a mental illness that I am immune to. Nobody appreciates me even if I was willing to put them above all.

I desire: Someone to hold, love, cherish. Above all though, they will cherish me.

Until then, I will continue to reassure myself that one day I will find this "love."

Going through the days constantly searching for self-fulfillment.

really, it's nothing.

You sit here in this room surrounded by nothingness. There's no one to run to EVER. You must conquer all fears and tackle all your own problems by yourself. Not that you would want to burden anyone with such problems like your own. Nothing is really wrong, but you feel like there is anyway and you can't get the awful feelings away. You've lost one person that you could tell anything to and no one has ever been able to replace them. You just go about pretending everything is alright when it's not. Really you need someone to talk to and to hold onto tightly, but, they should want you too so it won't be just a one-way love. Yes this is how a feel as I sit here in this room surrounded by nothingness. Loneliness.

PERSON NEEDED: someone to spill my problems out to and they won't think I'm crazy.

My family thinks I'm crazy. I tell them they're crazy just to comfort myself.

Really if anyone could understand... I need someone who I can confide in and they won't laugh. Someone who won't talk bad about me behind my back. Someone who would value me as their best friend because I am perhaps capable of that kind of job.

Stop trying to fool around the truth because you'll never keep it hidden. So finally I am going to take those words and use it for myself:
I do feel depressed.
I am a negative person.
I think about giving up.
I want to get married but it hardly seems possible for someone like me.
Nobody can or will ever understand me.
I need a special bond with someone to heal because nothing helps me better than that. It's okay, you think I'm crazy.