in college now

Well I am in college now, it's quite the experience. I am having fun, a bit lonely at times but fun. All the guys here want is sex it seems like so it is quite frustrating. I have given up and I just don't care right now. Maybe one day I will be loved and appreciated. My friends are good but I need a relationship, I'm tired of being single because it just sucks when everyone around you talks about their boyfriends and girlfriends. Sometimes it makes me feel not up to par. Nobody knows much about the way I feel about wanting a boyfriend but that's okay. I have talked to friends though before numerous times about how boys here only want sex so it's not an unknown fact. I have kissed four guys since I have been here but still they don't lead to anything else. Oh well I hope to someday find someone. I know that I will but it still seems like a fantasy and so unreal to me. I guess it's just wait and see what happens.

Well the relationship with Jared ended after a month at the end of March, neither of us really actually thought it was going to work because we are just different people. We are still friends and stuff but I got bored with only watching movies because he didn't want to spend money. HAH that does not work for me. I lost weight during my "happy period" when I was with him but now I have gained most of it back. It's only five pounds but it feels like 100 to me. I have decided to write about what I eat here in my blog because my mind needs to be fixed in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. As a result of stress, frustration, and emotions I tend to eat too much of the wrong kinds of foods in the day. Although I realize why I eat 4 or 5 things I regret during the day, I cannot help myself. I heard on the news 2 days ago that food relieves some stress and I totally believe that because thats what it seems like to me.

Okay I am using a great website for my mental help and these are my first mental obstacles:

MENTAL OBSTACLE #1

You Comfort Yourself with Food

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[x] You finish a bag of snacks without realizing you ate that much.

[x] You have a hard time describing how you feel.

[x] You eat when you're stressed, angry, or bored.

Yep looks like 3 bad habits I have. Their solution recommendations are to keep a diary, eat at the table, take 3 deep breaths before I eat, and distract myself.

MENTAL OBSTACLE #2

You Can't Stick to a Healthy Lifestyle

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[x] Excuses always thwart your diet or exercise plans.

[x] You suspect you'll never break your bad habits.

[x] You lose weight, but always gain it back.

Wow another 3 bad habits, I'm on a roll! Make a plan (and a back-up plan), buddy up, turn health into a hobby, life preserver (picture yourself doing something after you lose the weight), and take baby steps are the solutions to these habits.

MENTAL OBSTACLE #3

You Dislike Your Body

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[eh] You view yourself as a healthy person trapped in an unhealthy body.

[x] You think you'll be happier once you've lost weight.

[x] You're quick to criticize your body.

Ok I score myself as a 2.5 on this one. In some ways (like exercising and eating the right fruits/veggies) I think I am healthy but as for picking food I am sometimes horrible. So the answers to these problems are to give myself 30 mins of private time a day, write myself a love letter, celebrate different body types, and try crab apple flower essence because it apparently eases feeling of low self-esteem.

MENTAL OBSTACLE #4

You Don't Have the Support You Need

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[] You are the only person you know who's serious about losing weight.

[] When you're out with friends, you eat foods you'd normally avoid.

[] Your spouse doesn't want you to be more active.

Well none of this applies! I have plenty of support, obviously no spouse though but I bet they would be supportive of me! ok I am not going to go over solution to these.

So I am going to write in this bog when I feel down and I want food. I will then hopefully realize I don't need the food.

OK I am super tired and suffering my weekly sleep-deficit especially cuz it's friday. I'm outttt!

Sooooo this whole blog has been pretty depressing. WELLLL I have GOOD news now. I have met the most amazing guy and he cares about me. I can't tell you how wonderful this feeling is that someone else wants you. My whole life I have wanted a boyfriend and I think this one will be my first. I just had my 18th birthday on Friday and my future boyfriend is 23! hah i know what you're thinking, he's 5 years older than me! Well I don't think he's too old for me. He genuinely cares about my well-being. I met him through Laura because he loves the horses and spends a lot of time out there. I have known him for a week and a half and we are already had our first date. Yesterday we watched the movie Resident Evil in Laura's sewing room in the back by ourselves. We went to Blockbuster and he gave me a hug from behind that gave me butterflies in my stomach. We watched the movie as he held me close and rubbed my arm and shoulders. It felt so good. It was a little chilly outside so he made sure I was warm;)

Carry on, carry on

You go through life wondering, watching, and waiting for something new to happen. You ask yourself, what is my soul purpose in this world? Who am I living for and who cares about me living? Then you think and ponder those questions for a moment. Suddenly, the answer that pops into your head is nothing and a select few. Wondering why on earth you must come to such questions? Is it the longing for someone new to be there for you, yet you seem to repel each potential candidate that comes along? Or is it the fact that you feel like you haven't truly succeeded in this world? I'll get back to you if I ever discover such answers.

Everything I "live" for seems to fail me. My horse career because I need to ride MORE. How am I going to make money? Why can't I get my head straight? Why do I feel badly so often? Why do other people seem to get everything? How can I as a person fulfill my dreams? Every time I stop to smell the roses, everything falls behind. Every time I get things done in a hurry, I feel awful about myself. What is the medium here?

So your life's perfect huh? well then, good for you.

I can only be happy for other people because I cannot be happy for myself.

walking around aimlessly
telling myself how i hate life
its not bad i reassure myself

like a picture with a broken frame
i am helpless with no one to save me.

how can I improve as a person? hmmm