I have been riding 4-5 times a week and I was doing so well jumping 3' at home. I did not think that I would do as poorly as I did in the horseshow. Oh well... I suppose the reason that I am not more upset is because I know that this its my first time competing at this level.

Mid-terms are coming up this week and I am not looking forward to taking those. History will be a killer. Tooooo much to memorize. Kill myself now. I feel like a disaster. I am a natural disaster. I am feeling like I will be a failure unless I pass. Well I will be.

The other day I was sitting in art class and my closest friends are exchanging gifts with each other, but I did not get one. I felt bad, but I learn to deal with those miserable experiences. So that's how close my closest friends are. Yea that's the best way to describe it. I am not even close enough to them for them to get me a gift for Christmas. It was quite an embarrassing experience actually.
As far as how I am feeling now, I can describe it as: loserish, a rebel, helpless, a disaster, weak, unpowerful, and Hell. Well I am not as good as I once was. Thats just the cold-hard truth.

I am gonna let myself go... One day.