Every day I wish I could be someone else for one reason or another. Nothing goes my way, I always seem to screw things up, and I am just dumb quite often. I need so much help.

make the pain stop

Why do I get yelled at so much? I try to do my best and it's not like I want to screw everyone else's life up anyway. The yelling does not help. I rub my eyes, but the tears keep rolling on out.

No one has time for me anymore. When others want time for me, it's like I run away. I am scared of people themselves. It's weird.

I took at least ten depression quizzes today and they all say that I should seek help especially if I answered yes to whether or not I think about death a lot. I do though and I don't understand why other people don't think about death a lot. I don't understand why people can be sooooo happyyyy allllll the timmmme. Life is a racetrack, and I am the one who gets the worst injuries with the worst dents. I suck at life. Period.

hmmm.... well I have decided to write a mini bio about how I really am, because on myspace and such, I do not tell the truth.
So let's start:
Lie. Cheat. Stupid. Weird. Scared of guys. Cry easily. Depressed. Weird. Don't really want a boyfriend at all! Take things personally. Full schedule all the time. Think about death a lot. Wanna die or no? Mixed up. Imbalanced. Smart. Jealous. Crazy. Never been kissed. Party pooper. Personal. Secretive. Private.Confused. I love black secretly. Alone. Home=love. I love staying home.

Listette

Everything wrong with me:
-I make people feel bad when I don't realize it
-I forget EVERYTHING
-People forget about me
-I am a bad student in English and History
-I cry too much
-I procrastinate
-I can't control myself from yummy unhealthy foods
-I am fat
-I am very pale
-I have greasy skin
-I have narrow shoulders and a big butt
-I play stupid games on the internet instead of doing homework
-I am really bad at equitation
-I don't have my own car
-I have to have jaw surgery this summer because my teeth are stupid looking
-Good guys don't like me
-People don't understand me
-my parents think I am fat, but don't admit it

ok that's all for now... I am sure I will come up with more though later.
I must ask the question: Am I stuck up?

Well I know that I have not posted in a LONG time. Things seem to be the same as usual. I have established my place at school as dumb, smart, shy, unfriendly, stuck-up, and well- all of the above. umm I still don't have many friends. I won my first tennis match a couple weeks ago but I lost the one today. I cried as soon as I got in the car. The opponents team was clapping and screaming every time I made a bad shot! I pissed me off. Where is the moment when we need it the most? You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost... Cause you had a bad day. You're taking one down. You sing a sad song just to turn it around. You say you don't know. You tell me don't lie. You work at a smile and you go for a ride. You had a bad day.The camera don't lie. You're coming back down and you really don't mind. You had a bad day. I fall to pieces every time. My life used to be a blue sky, but now it is grey.

It's official. My life sucks and I suck at life. So now what more is there? All I want is for my life to be fulfilled before I let myself go. I try hard to hide my pain. Secretly, I am in pain and no one understands. People don't have a clue that I am so depressed and emo. I admit, for the first time that I am emo. YES, I am a needy EMO kid.

Ok there is one thing that is looking positive for me right now... I leaving ODA! I am going to be attending Bradenton Prep. I hope that people like me there. It's really cool because I can get out at 12:30 and not do elective classes! IF I have a car. I know that my dad will be getting a new car and I will be driving his car or my mom's truck. I just don't know when we will be getting a new car. He wishes that he can decide what he wants before school starts. So far he has wanted a Mazda 6 and a Tahoe.

Well anyway I am really excited to go to a new school, but that does not change my misery for the next 2 months! Ok the emo Brandi is out->>

Well Midterms are over and so is winter break. Yes the sucky school year is past halfway over. Well yea school I guess you could say is not making me feel as bad as usual. I have learned to live with very few friends. I only got 2 presents from friends. One was just a "present because you gave me one" kind of thing. I would have gotten more presents for others if they had thought about me.

Myspace is kind of depressing me out too because noone hardly looks at it. People that really care about me are Jaimie, Brittany, Mario, and Natalie. Woohoo thats a lot.

We had an argument about Coach purses today. My gosh they are soooooooooooo expensive. Everyone was all against me because I think that they are a waste of money. I feel bad for them because they clearly DON'T know how to manage their money. w/e i guess people have different values.

I have been riding 4-5 times a week and I was doing so well jumping 3' at home. I did not think that I would do as poorly as I did in the horseshow. Oh well... I suppose the reason that I am not more upset is because I know that this its my first time competing at this level.

Mid-terms are coming up this week and I am not looking forward to taking those. History will be a killer. Tooooo much to memorize. Kill myself now. I feel like a disaster. I am a natural disaster. I am feeling like I will be a failure unless I pass. Well I will be.

The other day I was sitting in art class and my closest friends are exchanging gifts with each other, but I did not get one. I felt bad, but I learn to deal with those miserable experiences. So that's how close my closest friends are. Yea that's the best way to describe it. I am not even close enough to them for them to get me a gift for Christmas. It was quite an embarrassing experience actually.
As far as how I am feeling now, I can describe it as: loserish, a rebel, helpless, a disaster, weak, unpowerful, and Hell. Well I am not as good as I once was. Thats just the cold-hard truth.

I am gonna let myself go... One day.