Well gosh it's been a while since I posted... I guess life has been pretty tough lately. I know I have to stay strong but it is hard with such difficult classes... I have a biochemistry test this week.. This is whether I pass or fail the class. I think I'm going to fail but I will do my best to pass. This is the hardest class I have ever taken in my life. I am really struggling to memorize so much information because the test is on 9 chapters of tough stuff. I had a breakdown last night because of it all.

in college now

Well I am in college now, it's quite the experience. I am having fun, a bit lonely at times but fun. All the guys here want is sex it seems like so it is quite frustrating. I have given up and I just don't care right now. Maybe one day I will be loved and appreciated. My friends are good but I need a relationship, I'm tired of being single because it just sucks when everyone around you talks about their boyfriends and girlfriends. Sometimes it makes me feel not up to par. Nobody knows much about the way I feel about wanting a boyfriend but that's okay. I have talked to friends though before numerous times about how boys here only want sex so it's not an unknown fact. I have kissed four guys since I have been here but still they don't lead to anything else. Oh well I hope to someday find someone. I know that I will but it still seems like a fantasy and so unreal to me. I guess it's just wait and see what happens.

Well the relationship with Jared ended after a month at the end of March, neither of us really actually thought it was going to work because we are just different people. We are still friends and stuff but I got bored with only watching movies because he didn't want to spend money. HAH that does not work for me. I lost weight during my "happy period" when I was with him but now I have gained most of it back. It's only five pounds but it feels like 100 to me. I have decided to write about what I eat here in my blog because my mind needs to be fixed in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. As a result of stress, frustration, and emotions I tend to eat too much of the wrong kinds of foods in the day. Although I realize why I eat 4 or 5 things I regret during the day, I cannot help myself. I heard on the news 2 days ago that food relieves some stress and I totally believe that because thats what it seems like to me.

Okay I am using a great website for my mental help and these are my first mental obstacles:

MENTAL OBSTACLE #1

You Comfort Yourself with Food

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[x] You finish a bag of snacks without realizing you ate that much.

[x] You have a hard time describing how you feel.

[x] You eat when you're stressed, angry, or bored.

Yep looks like 3 bad habits I have. Their solution recommendations are to keep a diary, eat at the table, take 3 deep breaths before I eat, and distract myself.

MENTAL OBSTACLE #2

You Can't Stick to a Healthy Lifestyle

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[x] Excuses always thwart your diet or exercise plans.

[x] You suspect you'll never break your bad habits.

[x] You lose weight, but always gain it back.

Wow another 3 bad habits, I'm on a roll! Make a plan (and a back-up plan), buddy up, turn health into a hobby, life preserver (picture yourself doing something after you lose the weight), and take baby steps are the solutions to these habits.

MENTAL OBSTACLE #3

You Dislike Your Body

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[eh] You view yourself as a healthy person trapped in an unhealthy body.

[x] You think you'll be happier once you've lost weight.

[x] You're quick to criticize your body.

Ok I score myself as a 2.5 on this one. In some ways (like exercising and eating the right fruits/veggies) I think I am healthy but as for picking food I am sometimes horrible. So the answers to these problems are to give myself 30 mins of private time a day, write myself a love letter, celebrate different body types, and try crab apple flower essence because it apparently eases feeling of low self-esteem.

MENTAL OBSTACLE #4

You Don't Have the Support You Need

This Is Your Obstacle If:

[] You are the only person you know who's serious about losing weight.

[] When you're out with friends, you eat foods you'd normally avoid.

[] Your spouse doesn't want you to be more active.

Well none of this applies! I have plenty of support, obviously no spouse though but I bet they would be supportive of me! ok I am not going to go over solution to these.

So I am going to write in this bog when I feel down and I want food. I will then hopefully realize I don't need the food.

OK I am super tired and suffering my weekly sleep-deficit especially cuz it's friday. I'm outttt!

Sooooo this whole blog has been pretty depressing. WELLLL I have GOOD news now. I have met the most amazing guy and he cares about me. I can't tell you how wonderful this feeling is that someone else wants you. My whole life I have wanted a boyfriend and I think this one will be my first. I just had my 18th birthday on Friday and my future boyfriend is 23! hah i know what you're thinking, he's 5 years older than me! Well I don't think he's too old for me. He genuinely cares about my well-being. I met him through Laura because he loves the horses and spends a lot of time out there. I have known him for a week and a half and we are already had our first date. Yesterday we watched the movie Resident Evil in Laura's sewing room in the back by ourselves. We went to Blockbuster and he gave me a hug from behind that gave me butterflies in my stomach. We watched the movie as he held me close and rubbed my arm and shoulders. It felt so good. It was a little chilly outside so he made sure I was warm;)

Carry on, carry on

You go through life wondering, watching, and waiting for something new to happen. You ask yourself, what is my soul purpose in this world? Who am I living for and who cares about me living? Then you think and ponder those questions for a moment. Suddenly, the answer that pops into your head is nothing and a select few. Wondering why on earth you must come to such questions? Is it the longing for someone new to be there for you, yet you seem to repel each potential candidate that comes along? Or is it the fact that you feel like you haven't truly succeeded in this world? I'll get back to you if I ever discover such answers.

Everything I "live" for seems to fail me. My horse career because I need to ride MORE. How am I going to make money? Why can't I get my head straight? Why do I feel badly so often? Why do other people seem to get everything? How can I as a person fulfill my dreams? Every time I stop to smell the roses, everything falls behind. Every time I get things done in a hurry, I feel awful about myself. What is the medium here?

So your life's perfect huh? well then, good for you.

I can only be happy for other people because I cannot be happy for myself.

walking around aimlessly
telling myself how i hate life
its not bad i reassure myself

like a picture with a broken frame
i am helpless with no one to save me.

how can I improve as a person? hmmm

Why can't I find love? Will I ever have love? What is love anyway? It is a mental illness that I am immune to. Nobody appreciates me even if I was willing to put them above all.

I desire: Someone to hold, love, cherish. Above all though, they will cherish me.

Until then, I will continue to reassure myself that one day I will find this "love."

Going through the days constantly searching for self-fulfillment.

really, it's nothing.

You sit here in this room surrounded by nothingness. There's no one to run to EVER. You must conquer all fears and tackle all your own problems by yourself. Not that you would want to burden anyone with such problems like your own. Nothing is really wrong, but you feel like there is anyway and you can't get the awful feelings away. You've lost one person that you could tell anything to and no one has ever been able to replace them. You just go about pretending everything is alright when it's not. Really you need someone to talk to and to hold onto tightly, but, they should want you too so it won't be just a one-way love. Yes this is how a feel as I sit here in this room surrounded by nothingness. Loneliness.

PERSON NEEDED: someone to spill my problems out to and they won't think I'm crazy.

My family thinks I'm crazy. I tell them they're crazy just to comfort myself.

Really if anyone could understand... I need someone who I can confide in and they won't laugh. Someone who won't talk bad about me behind my back. Someone who would value me as their best friend because I am perhaps capable of that kind of job.

Stop trying to fool around the truth because you'll never keep it hidden. So finally I am going to take those words and use it for myself:
I do feel depressed.
I am a negative person.
I think about giving up.
I want to get married but it hardly seems possible for someone like me.
Nobody can or will ever understand me.
I need a special bond with someone to heal because nothing helps me better than that. It's okay, you think I'm crazy.

why do I never feel good enough?

I try my best to be the best friend that I can be but for some reason people don't see me as one of their best friends. I have a few, but not many. For once I want to be appreciated. I wish there was a way. But I'll get over it and just give up one day.

Sometimes I think people use me to make fun of but I am never quite sure. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Every day I wish I could be someone else for one reason or another. Nothing goes my way, I always seem to screw things up, and I am just dumb quite often. I need so much help.

make the pain stop

Why do I get yelled at so much? I try to do my best and it's not like I want to screw everyone else's life up anyway. The yelling does not help. I rub my eyes, but the tears keep rolling on out.

No one has time for me anymore. When others want time for me, it's like I run away. I am scared of people themselves. It's weird.

I took at least ten depression quizzes today and they all say that I should seek help especially if I answered yes to whether or not I think about death a lot. I do though and I don't understand why other people don't think about death a lot. I don't understand why people can be sooooo happyyyy allllll the timmmme. Life is a racetrack, and I am the one who gets the worst injuries with the worst dents. I suck at life. Period.

hmmm.... well I have decided to write a mini bio about how I really am, because on myspace and such, I do not tell the truth.
So let's start:
Lie. Cheat. Stupid. Weird. Scared of guys. Cry easily. Depressed. Weird. Don't really want a boyfriend at all! Take things personally. Full schedule all the time. Think about death a lot. Wanna die or no? Mixed up. Imbalanced. Smart. Jealous. Crazy. Never been kissed. Party pooper. Personal. Secretive. Private.Confused. I love black secretly. Alone. Home=love. I love staying home.

Listette

Everything wrong with me:
-I make people feel bad when I don't realize it
-I forget EVERYTHING
-People forget about me
-I am a bad student in English and History
-I cry too much
-I procrastinate
-I can't control myself from yummy unhealthy foods
-I am fat
-I am very pale
-I have greasy skin
-I have narrow shoulders and a big butt
-I play stupid games on the internet instead of doing homework
-I am really bad at equitation
-I don't have my own car
-I have to have jaw surgery this summer because my teeth are stupid looking
-Good guys don't like me
-People don't understand me
-my parents think I am fat, but don't admit it

ok that's all for now... I am sure I will come up with more though later.
I must ask the question: Am I stuck up?

Well I know that I have not posted in a LONG time. Things seem to be the same as usual. I have established my place at school as dumb, smart, shy, unfriendly, stuck-up, and well- all of the above. umm I still don't have many friends. I won my first tennis match a couple weeks ago but I lost the one today. I cried as soon as I got in the car. The opponents team was clapping and screaming every time I made a bad shot! I pissed me off. Where is the moment when we need it the most? You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost... Cause you had a bad day. You're taking one down. You sing a sad song just to turn it around. You say you don't know. You tell me don't lie. You work at a smile and you go for a ride. You had a bad day.The camera don't lie. You're coming back down and you really don't mind. You had a bad day. I fall to pieces every time. My life used to be a blue sky, but now it is grey.

It's official. My life sucks and I suck at life. So now what more is there? All I want is for my life to be fulfilled before I let myself go. I try hard to hide my pain. Secretly, I am in pain and no one understands. People don't have a clue that I am so depressed and emo. I admit, for the first time that I am emo. YES, I am a needy EMO kid.

Ok there is one thing that is looking positive for me right now... I leaving ODA! I am going to be attending Bradenton Prep. I hope that people like me there. It's really cool because I can get out at 12:30 and not do elective classes! IF I have a car. I know that my dad will be getting a new car and I will be driving his car or my mom's truck. I just don't know when we will be getting a new car. He wishes that he can decide what he wants before school starts. So far he has wanted a Mazda 6 and a Tahoe.

Well anyway I am really excited to go to a new school, but that does not change my misery for the next 2 months! Ok the emo Brandi is out->>

Well Midterms are over and so is winter break. Yes the sucky school year is past halfway over. Well yea school I guess you could say is not making me feel as bad as usual. I have learned to live with very few friends. I only got 2 presents from friends. One was just a "present because you gave me one" kind of thing. I would have gotten more presents for others if they had thought about me.

Myspace is kind of depressing me out too because noone hardly looks at it. People that really care about me are Jaimie, Brittany, Mario, and Natalie. Woohoo thats a lot.

We had an argument about Coach purses today. My gosh they are soooooooooooo expensive. Everyone was all against me because I think that they are a waste of money. I feel bad for them because they clearly DON'T know how to manage their money. w/e i guess people have different values.

I have been riding 4-5 times a week and I was doing so well jumping 3' at home. I did not think that I would do as poorly as I did in the horseshow. Oh well... I suppose the reason that I am not more upset is because I know that this its my first time competing at this level.

Mid-terms are coming up this week and I am not looking forward to taking those. History will be a killer. Tooooo much to memorize. Kill myself now. I feel like a disaster. I am a natural disaster. I am feeling like I will be a failure unless I pass. Well I will be.

The other day I was sitting in art class and my closest friends are exchanging gifts with each other, but I did not get one. I felt bad, but I learn to deal with those miserable experiences. So that's how close my closest friends are. Yea that's the best way to describe it. I am not even close enough to them for them to get me a gift for Christmas. It was quite an embarrassing experience actually.
As far as how I am feeling now, I can describe it as: loserish, a rebel, helpless, a disaster, weak, unpowerful, and Hell. Well I am not as good as I once was. Thats just the cold-hard truth.

I am gonna let myself go... One day.

thinking... thoughts

I feel bad about myspace. Noone ever gives me comments and its usually my old friends from my old school that will IF they do. But what can I do? I would do anything for some attention from others. I have never felt so desperate. Its not that I feel like I need to be the center of attention, but I just want to be noticed as an actual person. I feel like the lonely quiet kid in class. I dont speak or ask questions in class because I feel like I will make a fool of myself or people will talk bad about me. I don't like staying after school because I have noone to talk to and everyone else does. It makes me feel bad. But see the thing is that I DON'T want to talk to them. I suppose that I am just that different from people who can afford to go to a $15k private school. I don't think that my personality is that different from theirs, but my values certainly are. I am stuck inside a world I hate.

There are more people going away from my "clique." About 3 people of our 12 person cliques are gone. I only have approximately 10 friends at ODA. It is very saddening to think about that. At Haile I had a whole lot more.

I have thought about going to Braden River a lot, practically every day. I think that academically it would be a poor choice.

In a perfect world this could never happen,
In a perfect world I would still go to Haile
It makes no sense.
But to people at ODA, it means nothing at all.
I used to think that I was strong,
Until it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through
I wish I could bring Haile back
I wish I could turn time back
I can't let go
I just can't find my way.
I don't know what I should do now
I don't know where to go.